if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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