Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
