hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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