So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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