K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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