dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
