Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
