You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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