He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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