also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
