A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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