if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
