How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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