Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
