i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
