Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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