I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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