Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
