Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
