Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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