You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
