You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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