News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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