I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
