She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
