I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
