When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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