just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize