Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize