last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
