you didnt know i had herpes?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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