so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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