new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
