Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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