I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
