Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize