last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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