This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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