The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
