best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
