just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
