Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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