Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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