My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
