You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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