I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
