and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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