FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
