I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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