dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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