Got a toothbrush?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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