Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
