Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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