i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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