get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
