that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
