Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
