Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
