Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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