Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
