Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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