my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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