So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
