I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
