I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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