this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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