I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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