If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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